Thoroughly Postmodern Polly

N.B. This piece is entirely fictitious, and any similarity to anyone is purely accidental.

Being conservative by nature, Polly has never considered cloning her cat. Nor has she pondered having her body frozen upon her death in the hope of coming back later. Polly is thirty-one, never-married—single according to the U.S. Census Bureau. She is tall, lean, and pretty. She has hazel eyes that go blue when she wears her favorite gym top, aqua-marine and effectively wicking. She has a good haircut.

Polly works in the mortgage department of a large bank. She has a degree in economics with a concentration in managing nonprofits. She eats organic. She loves her blackberry. She has lots of earphones. In airplanes she watches movies on an extremely thin laptop.

Polly lives in Springfield, Illinois. She has been to Lincoln’s tomb. It was on a fifth-grade field trip. Springfield is a good place, Polly believes. You can get anything you want there. But then again, if you can’t, you can go north to Chicago or south to Saint Louis where you can get anything you want.

Today Polly is reclining on the futon in her studio apartment, trying to get interested in the latest suggestion from Oprah’s online book club. But she is distracted by her bare feet. She admires the little bone that sticks out on the inside of her ankle, how it seductively appears to move when she rotates her foot. Polly is distracted by other things too. In fact, she is worried. She has a decision to make, and she doesn’t know what to do.

The decision that she has to make is about a medical procedure. What she needs to have done is not covered by her insurance. She hates that. Health insurance ought to cover everything. This is not the first time that Polly has encountered this problem.

Polly heard about 911 after the fact, late that September afternoon when, channel surfing, she hit upon images of the towers coming down. She had not heard until then because she’d been in surgery. She’d been undergoing a breast reduction in order to counter an earlier breast enhancement that very much pleased her boyfriend at the time, but not her current one.

Polly’s enhancement boyfriend was named Brad. A buyer for a religious bookstore chain, Brad made enough money to pay for Polly’s surgery. But afterward Polly wondered whether she hadn’t gone too far, enhanced too enthusiastically. Downhill skiing, she toppled. In restaurants she no longer ordered spaghetti with marinara sauce. A few months after her surgery, Brad read a religious book on the sanctity of remarriage, decided that cohabiting was sinful, broke up with Polly, and moved out.

A few weeks later, deciding to broaden her interests, Polly went to a political rally. It was at a lesbi-gay bar. When she made evocative eye contact with Britney, Polly realized that she was bi. Britney had come out as lesbian during her first marriage. She was a graphic artist. Britney moved in with Polly, and they got along great. They had a meaningful relationship. The only fight they ever had was over whether it’s better to have your teeth whitened at the dentist’s office or with a product from Walgreen’s.

Sadly, though, Britney got a job offer that she couldn’t refuse. She moved to Colorado Springs where she designs covers for books and pamphlets published by Dr. James Dobson’s organization, Focus on the Family. She likes finding new ways to depict heterosexual parents. When she feels uneasy about this, which sometimes she does, Britney donates to DQ, Digital Queers. Not to worry, she never does so via the company computer. Britney had invited Polly to move with her to Colorado Springs, but Polly was afraid that some new acquaintance might invite them to go skiing.

Polly grieved the loss of Britney for quite a while. Then, while she was shopping for soy milk in an all-night supermarket, Polly ran into Conner near the eggs. He was lowering a carton of “cage-free” into his cart, so she knew they would have a lot in common. “How many tunes does your I-pod hold?” she asked him, to break the ice. It was smooth sailing after that.

Conner was a tennis pro. He taught lessons. Polly began to take tennis lessons from Conner. Conner eventually suggested that Polly’s backhand would be improved if she had a breast reduction. That’s why Polly did not know that the towers had fallen until late in the afternoon. Polly and Conner stayed together for three years. Then Polly’s best friend from 7th grade had a baby, and Polly knew she wanted one too. Conner did not want a baby. Conner moved out.

Polly still wants a baby. Polly is now living with Chip. Chip is an adjunct professor. He teaches physics. Chip is willing to have a baby with Polly, provided she will first address a medical condition that she has. Polly is afflicted with toebesity. Unlike the rest of her body, Polly’s toes are fat. Chip would prefer a partner with bony toes. Chip discovered this term, toebesity, while perusing the Internet. It was in a pop-up ad. As soon as he saw the word, Chip felt validated, affirmed. Moreover, liposuction could fix this!

Springfield being a rural Midwest town, set among corn fields, people there are mostly ignorant with regard to toebesity. However, the couple has learned that they can have Polly’s condition fixed in Chicago.

Polly is unsettled today because neither she nor Chip can afford this medical procedure. Their credit cards are already maxed. Polly’s medical insurance does not cover everything. Now, lying on her futon, trying but unable to read, Polly makes what for her is an unprecedented decision. She decides that in the next election, she will vote. She will vote for a candidate who espouses universal health care.